I had recently posted a facebook status about me being abandoned during a dance practice in school today. I can assure that was humiliating when most of the other nerds in my class were picked but me. Kinda picked up a subtle message then.
Of course, I thought back while I was watching everyone dance their brains out. I thought back to Grade 8, the time when I first entered middle school. I had walked into the school and was suffering from a short-term Aspergers-type mental disease. I was unable to pick up social highs and lows and was unable to know what to do when certain problems arised.
I remember yelling at someone in class because someone was making an annoying popping sound. The teacher was certainly not amused, but the class was. Even though they loved my insanity, they tried to befriend me. I kinda closed myself off because after what happened to me in Grade 7 (which I have no intention of going back to unless people comment on hearing it). People got the message and left me alone, which I liked back then because it meant I could read, play on the computer, or draw pictures of Sonic.
Then came Grade 9. Ballon, and wasn't it a shock. All that time without technology or parental advise made me realize how dependent I was on people. I needed friends to talk to, to laugh with, to moarn with. I had none of that, all because in Grade 8 I wanted to be alone and by myself.
Stupidest thing I had ever done, EVER.
Grade 10-11 were/are both similar. I walked around the school, hoping to find a group to fit in with. I found one, and hung around for quite a while. However, eventually, one of the members kicked me out and I was by myself again.
Typical
Grade 10 I got a job. It felt awesome, I was finally earning a lot of money. I thought this would be a great chance to make friends and hang out with people. I know quite a few people at the workplace but only one person I really know there and, rarely, hang out with them. One whole year, and I watch as people are invited to parties and stuff while I sit there on the side.
Then, in Year 11, I tried another group. But it was hard to fit in, and it still is. I stand on the edge of the circle and I peer in but I have no input whatsoever. I just...watch. I observe. I watch as people laugh at jokes and make jokes that are funny. Or watch shows and movies that are funny. I watch as people are invited to hang outs and parties, and move from the guy on my right, skip me, and onto the guy on my left. I watch, as that all happens.
That's what I am doing currently. I am learning how to be social. Unlike you, who probably know how to make friends and have social dates. Me, I'm still stuck on asking people if they want to be my friend. That was back in 8.
I have minimal social maturity.
People ask me why I spend so much time on video games? How about you get off video games so you can make friends? My answer to that: I have, but you never noticed. I had stopped playing games and I tried to text people. I tried to be interested in people and start conversations. But whenever I did, people always had better things to do or better people to chill with. So my conversations would end in 2-4 sentences.
That's why I play video games a lot. It's my painkiller. I make the same amount of friends playing or not. So, why give up something I enjoy? I'm not making any friends fast, so get comfortable and try to forget.
I still am like that today. I hang out with a group frequently, but I still feel awkward being there. I feel like I don't belong anywhere in the school, like no-one understands me or my interests.
A One Man Show.
A great man once said "A man is an island surrounded by a sea of friends"
My sea is nearly dry.
I still try to be social, I send texts to people seeing if they wanna hang out, or catch a movie. Of course, they're either too busy or don't want to, which is fair enough. If I didn't like someone I wouldn't want to watch a movie with them.
Trying to live life alone is tough. I'm putting up a journal about it so you guys can understand the pains and the joys of seldom contact with society.
Please note, I'm not asking for pity, I'm trying to get people to understand who I am and why I am. Why do I act weird and why am I usually walking alone? Now you know.
Yours Sincerely, Faithfully, Truly, etc, etc...
GreenDawg
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